Weight of thoughts

There are few things in life which are irreplaceable . Strangely, sweet memories often hurt . Even nostalgia makes your heart empty for once. It's been told, a person strives for better as time passes by. But for some aspects,there isn't a better form.. I am trying to figure out what keeps me constantly happy over a period of time. Randomness(?) ,well  perhaps. Then I wonder for a moment..and get the answer as it's the pattern of positive incidents which puts me at ease. When I try to analyze my present state of mind I can't say I am unhappy because I 'm certainly not miserable. If there is a scale for happiness, I can definitely gauge the thorn to a higher level, for I'm content, despite the shortcomings. I read somewhere, one can still be happy with what she has. But I don't really vote for that. Because in that case you never realise what you are experiencing is an illusion. Contradicting myself..am I?

I believe there is a secret life of brain. And sometimes I wonder who am I.. Am I the soul, or the mind,or the heart or that vital energy which is called life? I left the body out, for I know it's not the same as it used to be last year ( erm ) Of course they're connected into a whole and don't exist separately but I just don't understand who speaks for me, or everyone and when? When I breathe ,to whom I do it for or why? Of course there isn't another option but why I do ,what I do..Every little co-ordinated function of my body or an emotion where does it end up? In brain? In my aura? Why do I feel lonely, why do I love, Why do I laugh or cry..I shouldn't be thinking so much about life in a living being but this is amazing..I just want to thank God for who I am because He's brought me so close to Him...I am just a light ray facing the Creator shining for Him..Hope I won't fade out .

To confess, I was almost an aetheist for quite sometime for whatever reasons. I look back and realise how stupid and ungrateful I was. If universe 'happend' by big bang and if it were an event without any stimulation wow how organised of an accident it was and which is still continuing to retain the perfect consequences. If we as human beings the so called superior creatures cant predict next slice of time with what kind of intelligence inanimate bodies act together to keep the life on the surface of earth for millenia.. Why would they do so ..

Thank you God! ..:-)